When Las Ramblas Spoke Geordie Scene 4

Scene 4
{ In the Strawberry pub after the match. }

( The bar is packed and everyone is singing. Sound of music and football commentary.)

Stevie : Brilliant wasn’t it? I wish I’d been inside though. What was the atmosphere like? It looked great on the box.
Stat : Excellent. We never stopped singing.
Stevie : What? In the platinum club ? I thought it was sound proofed so you didn’t have to hear the hooligans.
Stat : Give over will you. Look at the door, it‘s Iddy isn’t it? What’s he doing with that bonny lass?

(Iddy enters bar and puts a record on the Jukebox, “Wherever I lay my hat,” by Paul Young.Music plays over noise.)

Iddy : Look pet still no rings.
Girl : Should I know you?
Iddy : No, I just always wanted to do that.
Stevie : Christ look who it is. What you doing here Iddy ?
Iddy : TINO ! TINO ! I couldn’t miss this. Get them in Stat. I’m probably on the dole again and you’re always loaded.
Stevie : Probably ? I thought you were back on the railways?
Iddy : I was until twenty minutes ago.
Stevie : Jumped ship then ?
Iddy : Aye.
Stat : Get these down your necks.
All : TOON ARMY! TOON ARMY!

( There is a lot of noise in the bar. Phone rings and barman answers.)

Barman : The Strawberry.
Trotsky : Can I speak to Stevie Walker please?
Barman : You’ll have to speak up mate its mayhem in here.
Trotsky : Can I speak to Stevie Walker? He’ll have a Newcastle top on. Probably the Nº9, Shearer.
Barman : You’ve got to be joking bonny lad. I’ve got ninety nine Nº9s in here the night.
Trotsky : Please man. I’m calling long distance. Give a shout for anyone who knows Trotsky from Barcelona. Okay?
Barman : Aye okay. (shouting) TELEPHONE FOR STEVIE. A MR. TROTSKY FROM BARCELONA. (to himself) Funny I thought he was Russian.
Stevie : Did he say Trotsky ? I’M STEVIE.
Barman : There’s a call for you from Barcelona. Reserve me a ticket for the match over there will you?
Stevie : Aye, okay. Trotsky? Is that you ?
Trotsky : KENNY DAGLISH’S BLACK AND WHITE ARMY!
Stevie : How are the Catalans taking defeat?
Trotsky : They literally can’t believe it. Crying into their Voll Damms. Look I’ll have to be quick cos I’m running out of dosh. You and the lads have got to come over here for the return leg. It’ll be the big one.
Stevie : You know I’d love to but I´m still on the rock and roll.
Trotsky : Howay man. We’ll work something out.
Stevie : Okay, I´ll have a word with Iddy and Stat. They’re here in the bar.
Trotsky : Say hello to Iddy and tell Stat he’s a Tory capitalist shitbag. I’ll phone the Pie in New Zealand and you get things sorted your end. Hasta la vista bonny lad !
Stevie : Aye, Adios mate.

Iddy : Who was that?
Stevie : Trotsky. He says hello to you and he told me to tell you you’re a Tory bastard Stat.
Stat : Charming talk from a so called English teacher. Well he’s behind the times as usual. I’m New Labour now. Tony is doing a fantastic job for the small businessman.
Stevie : He’s why I stopped voting Labour.
Iddy : I’m confused. What did he say anyway ?
Stevie : He wants us to go to Barcelona for the return leg. He’s going to phone the Pie in New Zealand.
Iddy : Great. Why not? It’ll just be like old times.
Stevie : That’s right we were always jetting off to Barcelona to see the Toon.
Iddy : We once went to Barnsley.
Stevie : Yeah, it was Trotsky’s birthday treat. They mentioned his name over the PA. Remember we were with some miners, his mates from the strike. And the Tykes tonked us three nil. Happy days.
Stat : Even though I’ll have to put up with Comrade Trotsky I think its a brilliant idea. Why don’t we go ? I tell you what we’ll go for lunch tomorrow and talk about it.
Iddy : Lunch? Why don´t we just go for a pint ?
Stat : Don’t you want to visit the Magpie Restaurant while you’re home ? I can sign guests in.
Stevie : You mean it’s like a working men’s club or what ?
Stat : Do you want to come or are you just gonna take the piss ?
Stevie : Okay, you’re on. Iddy ?
Iddy : I’m not wearing a suit or bowing to Sir John though.

WTRSG

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